Archive for December, 2006

Spanish Fly, you’ve seen it at sex shops and next to the condoms in vending machines at gas station bathrooms in the middle of West Texas (well, I have). You hear the urban legends and the stories from friends about the nephew of a guy who’s friends with the uncle of your old high school buddy who slipped some Spanish Fly in “like hellsa girls drinks at a raging party and they were all like totally all over his junk n’ shit.” You’re a smart person, right? So you immediately think, “an aphrodisiac? Bullocks! Absolute whipper snapper junk!” Or “aphrodisiac? What about some charm and a smile?” or “aphrodisiac? you mean like waving my naughty bits at the person of interest?” But at the same time, I’ll even admit I’ve considered the possibilities of this little potion. Hell, if it’s sold all over the place and has been for years, of course it works, right? There’s got to be something in there that makes anyone who ingests it go hog-wild (not a sexy term, I know).

Spanish Fly is sold at my place of employment and a gentleman purchased a small bottle, swearing by it’s amazing effects. So I decided to check out the ingredients to attempt to discover the active ingredient. After reading the charming description on the back about the “spurious secret formula” I saw that the ingredients were: Water, fructose, glycerin, quaternium-15, citric acid, artificial flavor, and caramel color. So it’s a tastey little liquid with some random chemical in it. But what is quaternium-15?

Quaternium-15 is a preservative found in a shite load of cosmetic and hair products, which releases formaldehyde …yum. Which products, you ask? These products. So it’s in all these products, meaning it can’t be harmful right? Well it’s essentially harmless but studies have reported that exposure to Quaternium-15 may cause dermatitis and eczema. One thing I am curious about is it’s effects on pregnant women? What about all the guys with prego-fetishes who slip Spanish Fly into the beverages of unknowing pregnant women?

“False advertising!” you yell after yelling “Heretic!” to the pale goth kid on your block. But it’s not necessarily false advertising because right there on the bottle in the tiniest of letters the producers of Spanish Fly note that this product has no aphrodisiac effect what so ever. This brings into question the placebo effect. If people think it’ll work, then most of the time it’ll work. I just worry about the person who has Spanish Fly slipped in their drink and they end up having an allergic reaction. Nothing says sexy like anaphylactic shock!

My main question though, and I hope someone can come up with an answer, why do they put quaternium-15 in Spanish Fly? Is it just to have a product with a fancy named chemical in the ingredients list for people to read and think, “Huh, I’ve never heard of that name. That must be the aphrodisiac”?

I think I was misunderstood judging by a lot of the comments. I may have come off as one of those gamey people that teases and holds back all the time, or requires to be teased and witheld from, like a severe case of psychological masochism. Believe me, this is farther from the truth. Hell, I even dedicated the first two paragraphs explaining how fulfilling a desire immediately is incredibly hot and sexy and any other adjectives for attractive.

Essentially the previous post was a promotion of extended foreplay when need be and when desired. Extending out the foreplay can make every moment be that much more intense. Just like a quick a fuck or an “afternoon delight” can be a mind-blowing experience.

In sum, I’m an advocate of all-types of sexin’ when appropriate, everything from buggering in the back seat of a car, to oral in a pew, to bending your loved over the kitchen counter for a massive set of spankings, to extended oxytocin-filled lovin’/fuckin’/doin’.

The end.

Desire unfulfilled is better than desire fulfilled. Well not entirely, but I’d say that the statement is 80% true.
Receiving an object, person, or an act upon you instantaneously can be exciting and satisfying, sure. You want it, you get it,
it’s over with and you can probably get it again next time. And man does it save time and energy. You don’t have to think
about it too much, you don’t have to spend any time fulfilling what you desire. It just happens and it’s just there.

Sure I’ll admit that there is something extremely hot about such primal and animalistic behavior where two or more people are together, they
know they want each other in the most serious of ways and just jump in and devour every inch of eachothers’ bodies.
But in a normal practice of desire being instantly fulfilled, that leaves excitement and anxiety (the good kind) sitting
in the corner next to the pound of veggies you promised to yourself you’d eat because you need more greens in your diet.
So how in the fuck is that hot and attractive? Desire in and of itself, with it’s internal pleading, with the knot in your
stomach waiting for that one true moment to receive what you’ve wanted so desperately while at the same time not acting
desperate at all, is one of the most sultry components of sexualty, love and lust. Knowing exactly when you’re going to
fuck/make love/do it/have sex/bugger and doing it at that exact moment without any delay makes everything seem a little
too routine.

Tying up another individual and taking your sweet time whilst doing it is one example of delaying fulfillment. Choose the most
intricate of shibari rope bondage positions and take your damn sweet time
binding your partner(s). Let them feel every fucking single centimeter softly drag against their skin. Admire the goosebumps
being raised on their bodies. Once they are fully tied, both you and your partner(s) should be fully out of breath, not from
physical exertion, but from the inability to breathe correctly due to your hearts massive palpitations, the blood rushing
through your body just waiting to pounce your partner(s). You’ll feel that peak in complete ecstasy, your body will be
rushing with blood, your heart with be pounding, and you think that you can’t take it for just one more moment and you’re about
to dive in, aren’t you? You little prick. Right when you feel that there can be no more delaying of your absolute desired
person, object, or action, that is exactly when you hold back a little more. Tease yourself and the other person(s).
You can be creative.

Desire unfulfilled makes you feel alive, makes you feel alert, all the appropriate biochemicals are overflowing through your
brain, running around like a wild mob riot in the late 1800′s in New York City. You want to tear this person apart, don’t you?
Desire unfulfilled creates ecstasy, lust, love, and it creates more and more desire. Desire unfulfilled, once fulfilled
will make what you’ve desired for even better. Their juices will taste sweeter, the tactile stimulation of skin against skin
will be too much to bear, the smell of your partner(s) will be overwhelmingly sensuous.

Desire unfulfilled makes fulfilling the desire the sweetest treat in life.

According to About.com, one of the top ten most asked sex question towards them this year was “Where is my g spot?”
This struck me as familiar and odd at the same time. I have had a number of female friends ask me this while embarrassed.
I’ve also had a number of male friends who sleep with women nervously ask me “How do you find the g spot?” I’ve always
preferred the last question because I feel like Indiana Jones just picking up a young boyish type man who looks up to
me in all my treasure finding excapades. I want to spend days in a tent with him sitting over a poorly lit table as we
plan out our expedition. Finally after the thorough planning I’d take him through the wild jungles of the amazon where
we are faced with long battles between carnivorous predatory animals, local cannibalistic tribesmen, local villagers
trying to make us pay an outrageous amount for fresh fruits when we know damn well that he would sell them to a localer
for half that price. I want to take up cartography, the mapping of uncharted territories…g-tography, if you will. And
by using the latest and greatest computer software programs that high level petroleum engineers use at the University of
Texas, at Austin to discover new oil wells, we would find the perfect mapping structure of the g-spot. A map so thorough
and complete that even the kind of guy that high school kids call “retarded” because when in fact, he is actually retarded,
could use without any problem. Not only that, this map would encompass all the intricate details of the g-spot. Each square
centimeter would be thoroughly explained as to what its function was.

Then! Then! An instruction manual. A manual that anyone could follow (even that guy in high school I referred to above).
This manual would explain in delicious detail which movements and series of movements would not only set off an orgasm, but
different types of orgasms. Excerpt from the manual:
“(1) once one or two fingers has been inserted to her delicious pussy, gently stroke making the come hither motion. (2) At
33 seconds, make a VERY soft come hither motion in reverse, careful of the fingernails! (3) At 58 seconds make a circular
motion with both fingers. (4) At approximately 1 min and 5 seconds she will have the type of orgams that demands her to
dig her fingers deep into the bed sheets, arch her back, push her ass deep into the bed, relax her neck and shoulder muscles
as to let her head drop and release a 1 min 6 sec long seductive moan only interrupted by sultry queeps.”
With this detailed manual, I could even go as far as to state that with a slight twitch of the fingers to the right during
third motion, the girl’s orgasms will cause her eyes to roll into the back of her head, vocally alternating from gutteral,
moaning, groaning, cackling, violent flapping of the lips, etc.

Genius, pure genius. Not only could I and a crack team of the worlds best scientists, navigators and lovers devise this map
and manual, but then the vast amount of readers (we’d write it in 5 versions, each version tailored to those who read at a
certain educational levels: 4th grade reading skills, 10th grade reading skills, 1st grade reading skills, PhD reading skills,
(meaning cliffs notes) and mandarin) will become one of many of the world’s most esteemed expert’s in the anatomy of the g spot and the mechanics
involved within the g-spot. We’d form clubs like MENSA and MADD and those overweight diabetic kids that go to summer camp for
a week, not a summer.

And then at one day, a male and female sex partner would join together in their bedroom, she would lay down, the man would insert
one or two fingers inside her and follow the manual resting on her thigh. 1 min and 6 sec later she’d have a mind blowing orgasm.

It’s as simple as that!! Oh my god! Why hadn’t I devised this plan before?! With simply three steps, each woman could orgasm.
But isn’t the most important part of sexuality exploration, pushing boundaries, testing limits, making yourself uncomfortable
in a controlled setting? Isn’t the point of sex to search and play around your partners bodies and when one makes a mistake,
they both laugh hysterically and hold each other while they sarcastically call each other retards. Not retards like below the IQ of 70,
but retards in the common vernacular usage.

Nah, who needs that excitement and fun and lust and desire anymore?! Who needs desire when everything could just be fulfilled right
then and there!? Who has the time for it?