Archive for May, 2007

The founder of the “moral majority,” anti-choice, anti-equal rights, anti-tink winky, the one and only Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office today at the age of 73.

Fortunate for the “moral majority” they are chock full of douchebag holier than thou pricks to take his place. Thank God Haggard has already finished homo-rehab.

News Article

(c) www.gspotcenter.com

A doctor in Vacaville, CA is offering a new shot for women in order
to enlarge their g-spot, cleverly called “the G-Shot”. According to
this doctor, by injecting collagen
into the g-spot, it will increase its size hence increasing the
sensitivity of the nerve endings. The doctor states that he can’t
keep these shots on the shelves. The G-shot costs $1850 and lasts
four months, requiring many return visits (if you’re hooked and not in the hospital by the side effects yet). Apparently the good doc
has multiple regular customers. One of the doc’s caveats is that
this injection is only for women who already have a satisfying
sex life and desire to have an even better one, lucky them.

Personally, I’d like to see some data on this “g-shot” (oh he’s so
clever…). I would like to see the efficiency rate and the side effects.
But wait, he lists the side effects on his website, all 68 of them.
Yep, 68 side effects. Click Here for all the Risks.
My favorites are the ones that actually interfere with satisfactory
sex lives. Including, dyspareunia (painful sexin’), yeast infections,
sexual functions alterations (whatever that means), pelvic pains,
pro-longed pain, decreased sex function, and on and on. The REALLY
scary ones are “erosion”, embolism, collagen injected into the bladder
or urethra, and on and on and on and on.

Finally, an option for women who want to improve their sex lives!!!!!

For a good laugh, The G-Shot Website

(c) www.specialkidsphotography.com

(c) pbs.org

Salary.com reported that for the amount of work she does as a mother, her salary, if paid, should be $138,095. They calculated
this amount depending on all the roles a mother performs; housekeeper, day-care teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine
operator, facilities manager, van driver, chief executive officer and psychologist. I’d also like to add in conflict resolutions
expert, but that wasn’t included in the calculations. To top it off, mom’s usually put in an average of 92 hours of work per week.

So on this mothers day, thank yo mamma for all the unpaid work she’d be doing and that Mercedes you could be driving in
with her if she was actually paid.

See How Much You (Momma) Should be Making

Salary.com article

(c) georgetown.edu

(c)instacritic.com

so, i often find myself in situations where I’m hanging out with people
who are sexually attracted to me (mostly men), but for whom I do not have
reciprocal feelings. it’s awkward, because they aren’t bad people, and
it’s just that I don’t want them that way. Often we dont have anything in
common, but I just feel guilty, because there’s no reason I shouldn’t like
them. It’s not like I’m so great, you know? Anyway, what’s the best way to
stop wasting my and their time and cause the least amount of harm?

Local Media Hottie

_________________________

This is never a comfortable situation to find oneself in, for obvious reasons.
To even heighten this, such creepy people can be very pushy and manipulative. You
sound like you mean really well, and you seem really sweet. However, this is a time
when you can’t allow yourself to be who you are. You need to set boundaries, not
be overly apologetic, and stay strong.

While it’s totally possible said guy is not actually sexually interested in you,
for the purpose of this, lets just say he is. Also, it doesn’t really matter whether
or not he is interested in you because either way, you still feel uncomfortable around
him. That’s good enough to not want to be around someone.

Also, this isn’t a situation where you can be up front by telling the guy, “I don’t
want to hang out with you because you creep me out and I feel really uncomfortable
around you. And you smell like preparation H wipes.” Unfortunately, this is a time
where you have to just state that you’re constantly busy; you have finals, heavy work schedule,
week-long series of hair cuts, something like that. During these explanations, if you
apologize, just do it once. Do not be over apologetic at all, this may make you
come across as weak and manipulatable, or even worse, like you really want to
hang out with him but can’t. Just state that you’re busy and you cannot hang out.

Another option is to only agree (not explicitly) to hang out with him when you are
around other people, but only if you are comfortable doing this.

Bottom line: figure out what exactly your comfort level is with this guy and make that
your solid boundary until you are comfortable enough to change it.

Say good bye to the “ins” of last years’ summer fashion. No more crocs, moo-moo’s are
gone, uggs are auf’d, black is no more the new black. This summer, a well chiseled,
protruding (but not compound fracture style) clavicle is all the rage. All the youngin’s
in NYC are getting their upper body toned to show off their clavicles while being filmed
for the “Girls with Low Self-Esteem” videos. Let Paris Hilton have something
to be jealous about when she gets back from her jail term, seeing you lil one’s with
your clavicles poppin’. She’ll pout harder than she did when she couldn’t get her sixth
campari and soda as a pick me up before she went driving.

NY Times Article

Hey David,

______________________

Hiya Awkward Person,

I personally think it’s completely appropriate to pick up on a cute guy while he’s
working at a bookstore. I wouldn’t worry about whether or not it’s professional. I’ll
also be upfront and admit that I would be hesitant to offer this advice if the genders
were switched around, simply because of my retail experience where my female coworkers
always (well not always, but mostly) felt awkward when customers picked up on them.

With bookstore boy, if he doesn’t want
to hit that and is professional, he’d just say something boiler plate
like “it’s against policy for workers to rub their genitals against the genitals of
customers.”

So how do you go about this anyhow? There’s a few options that I can think of:

(1) Gutsy Approach: Walk up to him, ask him a question about some book or another that
is your favorite or is in the same genre of books you like. Start up a lil conversation
that way. Then smack him on his sweet bubble butt and say, “care to continue our
conversation on Foucault/Butler/Lacan/Derrida/Carrot Top whilst drinking
fine tea/dry humping?”

(2) Semi-Gutsy/Semi-Stalker Approach: Continue patronizing this bookstore, make your
presence known in a comfortable manner. Perhaps ask him quick little questions here
or there while smiling and maintaining eye contact. Over time show how goddamn
intelligent you are and slowly express interest in maintaining an open conversation.
Then, here’s where it’s not so cut and dry, when the time is right (I know, vague, right?)
invite him out for coffee.

(3) Super Stalker Approach: Hang around the bookstore for a while, wear a zoro mask
and camo so that no one can see you. Check out what books he reads on his breaks, then
develop a strong interest and understanding for said books. Then when the time is right
(I know, vague, right?) come to his job, sans zoro mask and camo but make sure you’re
hair is up in a bun and
you’re wearing glasses. Then walk by him with all the books he likes
in your arms, hair messed
up in a bun and glasses falling off your nose. Right when you’re in front of him
throw the books in the air and fall down. When he helps you back up, slowly
and seductively take off your glasses and let your hair down and whip it around
(make sure you don’t get any dandruff in his eyes). The rest will be a piece of cake.

In all seriousness, I wouldn’t build this up too much. He’s just some guy in a bookstore
that you dig, not such a big deal right? Find a way to start a conversation and see
where it takes you. when you’re comfortable enough with him, ask him out for coffee
or invite him to some event you’re going to (have in your pants).

Good luck!

Tragic:

Amy on Perez Hilton