Archive for August, 2007

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I practice emergency medicine in a hospital somewhere in the flyover states. One problem we see again and again is an object which, having been inserted in an anus, cannot be removed without assistance. In many cases this is dangerous to the patient. In some cases surgery is necessary. Some patients end up with permanent debilitating injuries which probably put a damper on their sex lives. I’m sure you can imagine what I mean.

Would you please publish a safety advisory? For the sake of your readers safety, warn them not to put anything up their backsides unless they have a pretty good idea of how they’re going to get it back out without my assistance. It would save my colleagues and I a lot of grief and it would save your kinkier readers the odd ileostomy, which is an unpleasant affair. This last is a worst case scenario, but even without complications the means at our disposal are unpleasant for ourselves as well as the patients. Furthermore, by the time they end up in the ER these guys are pretty embarrassed already and I can’t exactly tell the nurses not to laugh at them. We try to maintain professional decorum, but when a guy has more than a couple billiard balls up his ass, it’s a scratch, and forfeits his game of bunghole billiards. Even if we get them out without difficulty, he’s still lost the game to his opponent, who tends to show up about an hour later with some billiard balls in his ass.

It’s a social problem and a medical problem and it could be easily addressed with, I don’t know, a string and some lube and a bit of planning? Thank you for taking the time to consider this matter.

Kind regards,

Dr Andrew REDACTED, MD

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Dr. REDACTED,

Thank you very much for bringing this need to my attention. I have been meaning to inform my readers of the importance of safe ass playing and your description of what happens in an ER is a great way to get a part of the message out.

Readers: you don’t want to risk embarrassment or dramatic urgent surgery at the hands of such juvenile and incompetent physicians, so take up some common sense when exploring your butt hole. What’s worse than the fear of having an object securely stuck up your anus than a group of giggling, fresh out of med school twats who can’t wait to go to their local watering hole (where all the drinks are invariably served in pyrex) to share stories of the latest patient with a barbie head lodged beyond reach.

Now some tips:

(1) Flange it: Unlike what the doctor said, a string is not the best safety device unless there is a hole in the object to tie
it around. However, a prim and proper butt player always uses objects with a flange, meaning there is a wide base at the end in order to ensure the entirety of said object does not get lost in said anus.

(2) Solid it: Never ever ever (say never) use an object that is breakable. Yes, I’m talking about that light bulb in your hand, put it down. I know you like taking risks, but really, risking tiny thin shards of glass lacerating your delicate mucous membrane covered anus is not a risk that would garner you bragging rights like that wicked skateboarding trick you pulled off when you were 13. Always use a solid object.

(3) Sanitize it: Always make sure whatever device or object you’re using is safe and clean. That toothbrush that’s been sitting next to the toilet seat for years and been collecting dust is not the most sterile thing you can use. Many people think that since the butt is not the most sterile part of your body then it’s okay to use non-sterile objects, sorry son not true. Your ass does have bacterium, sure, but it’s your OWN bacteria and it wants to stay that way. Any outside forces will be met with grave hostility. I highly recommend using non-porous objects, as in it is made of silicone or hard plastic. Hell, if anything put a condom of it, why don’t ya?

(4) Lube Lube Lube: Use it, lube is good for you. Your ass does not create it’s own fluids. If you’re using condoms to cover your toy or latex gloves to cover your partners hand, don’t use oil based lube. If you’re using silicone-based toys then DON’T use silicone-based lube. Lube is love.

Click for info on this product

Now I know you people like to try to be creative, but this isn’t necessarily an event that Benjamin Franklin crafts store is geared towards. So your best bet is take you and your soon to be filled ass to a well-stocked and well-informed sex shop (Sinsations, Good Vibrations) and buy a toy that follows all three of my above rules. I highly recommend looking for silicone based toys since they are incredibly sterile and easy to clean, Tantus and Vixen Creations are wonderful manufacturers of all silicone-based sex toys.

Happy Butt Browsing!

Other Helpful Articles:

Articles By Tristan Taormino

10 Rules of Anal Sex

(c)www.satff.xu.edu

Go to craigslist, type in “casual encounters” and click on “M4W” then look at a variety of ads. Do they have something strange in common aside
from explicit sexual content? If you didn’t notice, the following commentary should give you a hint:

Your pic gets mine,
Second Original

_________________________________________

Second Original,

Your observation is mostly correct and there can be a multitude of reasons behind this fascinating phenomena of grammatical de-evolution.
You see, what happens to those who compulsively put raunchy posts on craigslist looking for quick and easy sex is one of the most
intriguing neurological understandings of our civilization. As with anyone, when one becomes sexually turned on there is a large rush
of adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin that surges through the system and increases more and more as orgasm gets closer. However
something happens to those who post on craigslist. While writing the post their adrenaline reaches an extreme level. High levels
of adrenaline in your system can cause you to act impulsively, impatiently, and myopically. While the elated sensations of serotonin and dopamine
are roaming about in the system, they are nowhere near as high levels as adrenaline.

(c)www.answers.com

As a result from this gush of adrenaline, their fingers and thought process become jittery disallowing any chance of typing or thinking in a
coherent manner. “ACK! Sex its’ good! I want to suck and fuck and i’m hung were my ladys at?!?!”

Other possible reasons:
- They know they only have a short amount of time to write this post (due to being caught by their mom, boss, or significant other) so they
do not have the time to print out the post, sit down at their desk with a cup of earl grey and edit using their favorite red ink pen.
- They’re actually 11 years old.
- They’re just that damn impulsive.

It’s also incredibly possible that they get their rocks off by posting said ads. As anyone knows, when you are in the throes of full l’passion,
your heart is raising, you’ve got this cloudy tunnel vision thing going on and good lord it’s just all good. This may be the exact process
that a raunchy craigslist poster is going through. Whether or not they are anticipating a response is a whole other category of people.

However, I’ll bet they’re all high school English teachers that get turned on to no end by writing with such grammatic and syntactical errors
that it makes them feel like dirty and deficient human beings. “*twists nipples* ooooh, I’ve been a naughty boy, my tense agreement is all off!”